Author: Lauryn Langston

If you are not from Brazil, you are a ‘gringo’. That is the term used here to label anyone other than Brazilian. I am Mexican American, and I grew up being called gringa by my Mexican family because not only because I am half American, but because of my lighter features such as my eyes and hair. Basically in the Mexican culture, ‘gringo’ is used if you are basically white. However in Brazil, anyone other than Brazilian. You can be from the neighbor country of Argentina and you are gringo, from Africa you are gringo, from Asia you are gringo. It is quite funny, because gringos are grouped as if there are only two ethnicities on the earth Gringo and Brazilian. What I mean by that, is if you do something that is not the way here the reason is because you are ‘gringo’ as if all gringos do the same thing. I argue sometimes when hearing comments, as I say someone if France and someone in Russia are two completely different cultures and have their own ways of doing. Just because a French person does something doesn’t mean the Russian person does the same thing because they are gringo.

Brazil is a mixed country of an abundance of mixed races such as Japanese, German and African. And because they are mixed race, I find it odd with the term ‘gringo’ because it feels very exclusive, when especially this is a country of different types of people. I try not take offense to the word, even though I am sensitive it because I have been called this from my own family because of my white side. Then I move to Brazil and that is what I am labeled, no matter what I do to try to integrate in the culture. Some foreigners find it hilarious, and do not take offense at all and I wish I can get there. But I question why do terms like these exist in this modern world? Of course this is not only taking place in Brazil, there must be terms in other countries in identifying ‘the other’, but why? Why do we need as a human society group those other than their own?

I have completed Unit 1 and have received my feedback for my submission. Imposter Syndrome is real, it is a real thing. I sometimes think, can I do this? Am I in over my head? I am in a cohort of incredible women, it is 10 of us. Each one of them have interesting backgrounds and stories, when they provide insight in the course I am in awe. I feel fortunate to be in a class with them, and that I have two years with the same women. As I saw each one of their submissions, they all did a fabulous job. However sometimes I feel that I may not be enough to succeed in this course. I guess feedback is hard to receive on my end. It is a muscle that needs to be worked, and understand that it is only to help me rather than to break me. I know in my submission I could have done better, and that I am capable to do better but at the same time, I question myself… but can I? One of the points of feedback is “so much more could have been done to explore the nexus of complexity/connectivity/context as well as the systems thinking competency. For instance, scholarly references could complicate your enquiry and support deeper reflection and insight”, which is very true. I feel that I lacked delving deeper into the context of what I was presenting. I feel that there is guard inside me to explore more, and expand outside my comfort zone. On the other hand, as the last comment I received “Well done, Lauryn. You’re off to a good start”, I think that I need to trust in my process with this MA course, and that the team chose me as a student because I do have something to offer. Let’s see how everything unfolds.

I grew up in two households as my parents were separated most my life, therefore I was moving from house to house on a weekly basis. I lived in at least five different cities until I was in high school, therefore that consisted of changing schools and making new friends. I went to three different Junior High Schools within two years, wow! Therefore I have become accustomed to moving. As I am in my mid 30s, I have lived in five countries–United States, Taiwan, Brazil, England and Italy. And within the states, I grew up in Los Angeles which is home, but I have lived in New York City and Berkeley. With all that being said, moving is second nature to me. I think I find being too comfortable in a setting is uncomfortable, change is what keeps me on my toes and constantly creating new beginnings. But then I wonder, will I stop one day? I think the longest I have lived in the same city was five years in New York City, however I did change within different neighborhoods on a yearly basis, and I did leave to Brazil for a few months. Hmm… I did live in the same house for fours years once, it was my mother’s home when I was around ten years old. Other than that, as I reflect on it now and 35 years into my life, it was made up of moving. I guess that has made me okay with being alone, and finding time alone is needed to recharge. And those homes I do live in I try to find a sanctuary in each one of them. Now that I have lived internationally and done so alone, I guess moving overseas is like someone moving to a different town in the same state. It has become some sense of normal, and it is with curiosity that drives me. To see myself as I evolve from one place to another, and see how I have lived differently in each one is interesting. It is like each chapter is its only story, therefore there are multiple stories in one story.

At this moment, the city of Los Angeles is burning with at least four fires in different locations, occurring for two day now. On the western coast of Los Angeles, Pacific Palisades has taken a hit with much of the town destroyed, and as the fire spreads to Topanga and Malibu, residents are preparing themselves to evacuate. This is a pretty wealthy community, such as celebrities and successful entrepreneurs reside there but also carry middle class families that have homes from generations back. On instagram I am watching my friends posting that they have lost their homes, to my favorite neighborhood restaurant has been burned down. This is truly sad, and hits home as this is my hometown carrying those closest to me. However my family are safe as they life a bit further from where the fires are taken place. But not only the residents and business owners have been infected, I think about all the jobs lost! Those that do not have the financial means to live in such a town and commute from low-income communities, now do not have a job to show up to as its has been destroyed by the fires. Plus animal life that has been killed, those from homes and farms to wildlife. This “natural” tragedy has full-circle not only affected those with money but those that have little or without. At a near time of government transition, I question: what comes next? How is the government going to help? My heart goes out to everyone back home.

“Praia” the portuguese word for beach. If you were live in on the coastline of Brazil, going to the beach is like a necessity to survive. I am from California, and near the beach. Yes we Californians love the beach, the home of surf culture. Those that do water sports at least, you can find them diving into the ocean at least once a day for an hour before or after work. During the week the Californian beach can have sprinkles of people on the sand throughout the day, however in Brazil… different story! The beach is literally like a “necessity to survive”. This photo I am showing you is a weekday, not even a holiday and the crowd of people on the sand at a beach in Rio de Janeiro. You question “what do these people do to survive financially?”. I mean, literally! It is quite comical as well, because the culture of this vibrant country is to live, Brazilians work to live rather than live to work. They enjoy life. On this sands of Rio you find women and men walking up and down the sands, selling grilled cheese (literally cheese being grilled in front of you), drinks while yelling “match-eee, match” which is a Brazilian form of ice-tea, to bikinis hung around the top of a large umbrella, to electronics and more. You are entertained the entire time, silence and tranquility will not be found on the beach, only colors of energy, sounds and movement of being alive.

Image by dotcomplicated.co

Feedback? To sit quietly and receive with grace the opinions and advice of others on your work. Now that is quite frightening! How do I sit there with acceptance and not take the feedback personal? I guess that is the ego speaking… always wanting to do things ‘right’. As I submitted my audio for my Unite 1 draft sharing my story–a story of my truth and vulnerability. I was in doubt of myself thinking that I did my draft incorrectly, I am sharing too much, to thinking my class is not going to like what I shared. Many comments racing through my mind, especially as I have watched my cohorts drafts already, and truly inspired. We went from one classmate to the other, listening to everyone share their feedback on each others’ project. It was my turn. As Marsha asks the students “anyone have feedback on Lauryn’s first draft?”. Of course, even a second of silence seems an eternity, does silence mean my project was not liked? Then I see the hands raising. The positive feedback that I received was that my use of words in my audio was poetic and that they enjoyed to listen to it. That I represented through my journey–curiosity and place–while also revealing the sense of being ‘lost and found’. Phew… that was not so bad. But of course, I needed feedback in ways to make my project better, and that was to ‘think of the bigger picture’ one student mentioned, in regard to systems thinking. Thankful for that feedback, as that helped me to revise my draft and edit parts that need to be edited.

“If we shield ourselves from all feedback, we stop growing.” – Brené Brown

“Feedback is a free education to excellence. Seek it with sincerity and receive it with grace.” – Anne Marie Houghtailing

This first round of feedback for my first project is giving me the opportunity to sit with being uncomfortable, and that discomfort brings growth. Growth not only from others’ inputs for a project, but growth providing life lessons. This exercise allows me to be more open in the world and receive, even if it is not something I want to hear but it is for my greater good. I tend to be very sensitive, and learning to not take things too personal. I left this feedback session really reflecting on my project, and was able to focus on other dynamics that were expected. The positive feedback helped me to trust in myself, that I have the capability of doing this work and that I have something to offer in the course. I want to turn this fear into motivation to learn from my fellow cohorts, and to take this with me as I move through this world.

“We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” – Brené Brown

“Every woman’s success should be an inspiration to another, we’re strongest when we cheer each other on.” – Serena Williams

Quotes by netigate.com

Over a year ago of June 2023, I sold my belongings in California and moved to Brazil, I fell passionately in love with this country when I first visited in 2008. If I were to describe Brazil in one word it would be “vibrant”, from the colors and sounds you experience on the streets, to the mixes of people coming from different backgrounds, to hearing Portuguese as I describe as a playground of words.

Once I moved to Brazil I had a basic foundation of the language with a dream to begin my days with bom dia and end my days with boa noite. Fast forward over a year later, my capability to speak Portuguese has progressed dramatically. I fluidly have conversations, even though I do miss some of the rules of conjugations, I am able to delve deeper into the Brazilian culture. And even learning their girias, meaning “slang”. By learning another language other than your own is fulfilling, as before the other language was just sounds with no meaning, to transforming to actual words.

With all this being said, as I have been “speaking” Portuguese for let’s say 17 months now I sometimes feel as if I am the same Lauryn, but different. There is another side of me, I am trying to navigate if this side of me is hiding my true-self. The question is:

Am I expressing how I truly feel on the day-to-day, have I really showed who Lauryn is?

Furthermore, the basics of my name, that in the United States my name is pronounced as “lor-in”, and in Brazil I pronounce my name as “low-rin”. If I were to pronounce my name as its originality, it is not clearly being understood by the receiver. Therefore, at times I grieve my name “lor-in”. I feel I have another identity; as if I am living within a language, a clone of myself. I walk the same, and I look the same… but am I the same? 

When traveling and understanding others and where they come from, are we bringing our true selves of who we are from where we came from? Or are we molding within the culture rather than adapting? I am fascinated to learn how humans of other parts of the world walk, talk, move, and breathe, and want to understand how life is being perceived through their lens. Therefore communication and learning another language allows us to get a deeper glance of another world other than our own. But within other worlds, if we observe at a different angle:

it is not only to see the performance of different cultures, but to see how the performance of the self changes within cultures that are different than our own.